The Lotus Eater

Some of you can claim the dubious privilege of having met the Lotus Eater (he probably doesn’t remember you). However, if you do count among this sadly condemned group , you may recall the rather precarious, or shall we say, embryonic, state of his professional career.

Well, you forget about all that. There’s a new racket in town. You see, I have found an uncharted niche in the economic waters.

Essentially, it boils down to renting myself out as a scintillating conversationalist for dinner, cocktail, and office parties. I mean, I hate to be arrogant, but I never believed in self-deprecation–I am one hell of a charming nerd. Some of you have lived it and loved it. Don’t worry, you’re still on the house.

However, hope against hope that someone will reply to my craigslist ad for Intellectual Entertainment Services. I need to join that new economy everyone goes on about. And soon. It’s getting close to the end of the month.

I will keep you updated with any responses I recieve and their concomitant adventures.

Update: Unfortunately, this posting has expired on craigslist for the time being without any replies (which either speaks to ignorance of American consumers or the high quality of cocktail parties in the District). You can still catch the text here. I am currently trying to rework my business model and will keep you informed of any developments.

Brough-ha-ha. That is to say, we are in the middle of one this week regarding the lease on 6 of the largest shipping ports on the Eastern Seaboard. Dubai Ports World, a company essentially owned the state of United Arab Emirates, purchased the Peninsular & Oriental Steam Navigation Company of Britain for US$ 6.85 billion, thereby acquiring the administrative rights to the US ports. Both Democrats and Republicans in Congress have condemned the Bush administration’s quick approval of the deal, citing issues of national security (2 of the 9/11 highjackers were from the UAE) and lack of oversight. In response, the President has threatened to exercise the first presidential veto of his 5 year tenure.

The Bushies are approaching this all wrong. Where is the famed Rove message machine? ‘Member the Clear Skies and Healthy Forest Initiatives, Karl? ‘Member those? Rather than approach this situation from a wishy-washy line, Rove and co. need to use one of their two, hitherto successful modes of speech, incredulous optimism or dire fear. It is my belief, seeing as Arabs are involved, optimism maybe a better way to go.

I think the administration would be well served by tying this port deal to their concept of The Ownership Society. If we give the UAE a stake in our ports, the Emirs would be far less inclined to tolerate their destruction. Think about it. The Saudis may have tolerated the destruction of the WTC and the Pentagon, but they had no stake in these institutions. On the other hand, the Saudis own roughly 8% of our Treasury, and both the Federal Reserve and Fort Knox remained untouched on September 11th. If Bush were to explain, in the simple terms at which he excels, the basic principle that ownership=not destroying one’s own property wantonly, I think that the American people and most members of Congress would be persuaded to his position.

Yes, I do believe we can all agree on The Safer Harbors Initiative. Because what is this deal really, but a devious strategy to secure our ports without the terrorists realizing how we are fooling them? Now, with their own people and profits in mind, they will drop their focus on the places where we are most vulnerable, and try and hit targets that are marginally more secure, like our chemical plants .

I think this may be one of my favorite websites in the history of the internet. Be sure to check out the commentary on the Swedish Royal Family.

I may be throwing my hat into the ring a little late, but as op-ed columnists are still re-hashing L’Affaire du Quail (see Dan Froomkin’s 2/21 WaPo column The Buckshot’s Here), I thought I’d contribute my own two cents.

THIS IS SOME ILLUMINATI BULLSHIT.

Pray, what do I mean? Well, I mean that there is obviously some insidious conspiracy running every aspect of public affairs in this country.

Dick Cheney is, by most international standards, a war criminal. He is linked to war profiteering, torture in secret concentration camps, intelligence fixing, national security breaches, domestic spying–you can choose you favorite allegation. And while these connections fall in the category of “known unknowns” because the fourth estate appears to respect his privacy in these relatively unimportant matters, his involvment in a hunting accident has provoked media scrutiny of an intensity that is usually reserved for hotel break-ins and blowjobs. Bruce Reed of Slate called the event 2/11!

Ok, ok, we get it. This incident speaks to the pattern of secrecy that pervades all the Vice President’s behavior, particularly in relation to those war crimes discussed above. But, for the love of reason, why can’t the media scrutinize the actual crimes? And that gets me back to the Illuminati.

It’s obvious that everyone is in cahoots, cahooting from sea to shining sea. Our secret masters under the Himalayas obviously want to keep their government in power and the rest of us in a state of confusion and cognitive dissonance. Here is my assessment of this latest story: The White House is in political trouble, on the verge of lame duck status. This whole shooting incident is manufactured, diverting attention away from issues of greater importance as well as the beleaguered Prez . The “liberal” media latches onto the story like a orca whale to a penguin, and makes numerous calls for Cheney’s resignation, linking the incident to his other scandals. Meanwhile, the right-wing pundits correctly blast their favorite target for baseless accusations, and pave the road for making all accusations against Cheney look baseless. AH-HA!

Now, we see how we are being kept in check. It’s the Illuminati, I am sure of it.

My little green grape is brown.