We Shall Overcome
I think my favorite comment ever made by President Bush (and he says alot of amazing things) is when, in his stirring speech following Katrina, he claimed that “we will prevail against nature”. It just might have been topped, in a disturbing, nerdy way, had he further pledged to prevail against the wind, but I totally respect anyone who challenges that bitch goddess, Mother Earth. In Roman times, Caligua only had the balls to declare war on Poseidon; once again, we have one-upped our forebears. Bush Dynasty-1, Julio-Claudian Dynasty-0!
In anycase, it got me to thinking about how much I adore the President’s lofty, triumphant rhetoric (which has been noticeably absent lately–where’d you go, big guy?). He may be the greatest conceptual warrior in all of recorded history! And there are a wonderfully astonishing number of abstractions that, if all goes according to plan, we will have prevailed over by the end of his term in office. I have compiled a working list here, but please feel free to add any crusade I may have overlooked in the comments.
Things Over Which We Will Have Prevailed By 2008
• Evil (as an ontological entity)
• The Axis of Evil (around which ontological evil rotates once a year)
• Evil-doers
• Terrorism
• Terrorists
• Narcoterrorists (who represent a non-Muslim, Spanish-speaking branch of Islamofascism)
• Illegal Drugs
• Generic Drugs
• Trial Lawyers (cf. “evil-doers”)
• Activist Judges
• Loose Constructions of the Constitution
• Moderately Strict Constructions of the Constitution
• Strict Constructions of the Constitution That Bend the Rules on Saturday Night
• The Culture of Death
• Vegetable Euthanizers
• Assisted Suicide
• Roe v. Wade
• Indulgence-oriented Forms of Contraception
• AIDS
• Homosexual Men and Unattractive, Politically-unconnected Lesbians
• Same-sex Marriage
• Same-sex Adoption
• Man-on-dog
• Human-animal Hybrids
• Cloning
• Clones
• Stars Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (universally panned)
• Spoilers
• Leaks
• Self-aggrandizing Whistleblowers
• Poorly Concealed Corporate Malfeasance
• Progressive Taxation
• The New Deal
• Sharing
• Unionization
• Unfree Trade
• Third World Poverty
• The Poor
• Children Who Have Been Left Behind
• The Politicization of Politics
• Flip-flopping
• Cutting and Running
• Being Against the Troops
• Televised Burials
• Fossil Fuel Dependence
• Unexploited Caribou Preserves
• Unmelted Glaciers
• Unlogged Forests
• Uncleared Brush
• Unbagged Quails
• Skeptically-based Initiatives
Hmm, that is all I can recall at the moment. Now, I realize that I am not your commander-in-chief, but I would like to propose just a few more things that we can prevail over in the next few years. I know it’s a tall order–we have so much on our plates already–but rally round and give it your best.
The Lotus Eater’s Suggestions For Further Things Over Which to Prevail
• The Ubiquity of Salmon
• Bands I Don’t Know About But Are Evidently “Cool”
• The Crushing Loneliness of 21st Century Anomie (felt when you dine on salmon by yourself while listening to some emo band you have never heard of and understand just how much is wrong with the world)
We have also prevailed over the rest of the world by being the first to annouce our intentions to visit Mars. Now this is an important one and I am disappointed that the Lotus Eater neglected to include it. The announcement of our intentions to plan a trip which would land wo/man on the moon proves to the world that the US of A is serious about prevailing.
Comment by Justin Time — May 11, 2006 @ 7:45 pm
This is one of situations where we will not only prevail over the rest of the world, but, thanks to tax cuts for the wealthy, we will be able to prevail over the entire solar system.
Comment by the lotus eater — May 12, 2006 @ 7:58 am