The Lotus Eater

I have been selected as an Attaché for the Tournament of International Champions III: Mortal Street Diplomacy! From the invite:

Dear Mr. Eater,
It is thanks to your cunning, silver toungue, and take-no-prisoners style of diplomacy that the Island of the Lotus Eaters is back on the geo-political map. Normally, I would not extend an invitation to the Tournament of International Champions III: Mortal Street Diplomacy to a representative from such a small, unimportant country, but, in this instance, I think you would make an excellent addition at my international “talks”. Beware! Your fellow manipulators and operators negotiate at a very high level. They are not to be taken lightly.

If you choose to attend (and I think you will, knowing all about you as I do), you will be picked up by an unmarked, black helicopter at precisely 23:23, 06/06/06 in the park across the street from your domicile. It will carry you to the site of the Tournament, which for the time being, must remain undisclosed.

Yours, in strategic truth,
K. Annan
encl:

I am so totally there. The following is a little background information from the Introductory Section of the preparatory dossier with which I was provided:

The Host

K. Annan (The Secretary General)
Location: ???
Style:???
Bio: K. Annan is the shadowy leader of many multi-national endeavors. He is known only by his signature cape and the private, global army–distinguished by its blue helmets–which he controls. His sobriquet derives from the fact that commands his troops from behind a desk in the pursuit of his quest for One World Government. His only known address is a tony Upper East Side apartment building, but it is assumed that he has estates and seraglios in many locations. Some suspect that he will hold the tournament at his rumored compound in Ghana. Few know what he hopes to accomplish with the Tournament, though it is possible he is using it as a tool to weaken all of those who would stand in the way of his complete global domination.
Strength/Diplomatic Moves: ???
Weaknesses: ???
Hobbies: ???

The Competitors

President George Bush (Dubya)
Location: USA
Style: Texas Chainsaw Massacring
Bio: Though Dubya secured a difficult victory in the last round of Tournament (defeating the Butcher of Baghdad), he has since been dogged by claims of impropriety in that fight and others (see Trixie). Additionally, Dubya’s father mysteriously disappeared while visiting Thailand after the Tsunami. He was known to be in the company of K. Annan shortly before seemingly vanishing from the face of the Earth. Dubya is highly motivated to retain his crown, and, hopefully bring dear old dad back to Kennebunkport for the summer yachting season.
S/D: The Big Stick–a devasting attack, diplomatically and otherwise.
Weaknesses: Powerful attacks delay reaction time, exposing Dubya to brutal counterstrikes.
Hobbies: Clearing Brush, Cutting Taxes, Ignoring the news media.

Tony Blair (Trixie the Trick Poodle)
Location: UK
Style: Militant Propriety
Bio: Since the events of the past Tournament, Trixie has had to endure allegations that he voluntarily capitulated to Dubya in their round of “talks”. Now, he is looking to regain his legitimacy, but the continuation of his close alliance Dubya makes this a daunting challenge.
S/D: Recommittment to Palenstinian Statehood–a diversionary attack that raises speed and lowers damage from oppponent’s diplomatic attacks.
Weaknesses: Ethical Conflict–when harried, Trixie is temporalily unable to make any diplomatic attacks.
Hobbies: Bumbling his way charmingly through humorous romantic situations.

Osama bin Laden (UBL)
Location: ???
Style: Assymetric Judo
Bio: Though UBL has made enemies with all other participants in the Tournament, he has slowly been attracting a sizeable, if anonymous, crowd following. Watch out for the 12th Man when he is on the field.
S/D: “Suicide Attack”–non-diplomatic offensive that deals great damage to opponents.
Weaknesses: “Suicide Attack” (see above)–inflicts continual “dialysis” damage to self and boosts opponents’ diplomatic capacities.
Hobbies: Speleunking, Geology (recently acquired).

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (That Iranian Guy)
Location: Iran
Style: ???
Bio: A relative newcomer to the world of Diplomatic Champions, no one really knows what to expect from That Iranian Guy. He has, however, made hostile overtones to nearly all other competitors during his short time on this stage, assuring ill will from nearly everyone in the Tournament. That Iranian Guy also made a very personal enemy of K. Annan when he used The Secretary General as a buffer defense in preliminary “talks” leading up to the Tournament.
S/D: Unpredictability–will likely slow opponent’s reaction time.
Weaknesses: Unpopularity (AKA “that asshole at the party syndrome”)–it will be difficult for That Iranian Guy to defend against powerful diplomatic offensives.
Hobbies: Adapting non-iconic surrealist art to contemporary video media.

Madeleine Albright (Mad Dogg 20-20)
Location: USA
Style: Honey-Style What Traps Flies
Bio: Mad Dogg 20-20 is a fierce fighter who is not above using her considerable feminine wiles to seduce an opponent into getting just a little too close to her, only to be hit with a diplomatic pile-driver. She is still furious with many of her former allies (Dubya and Trixie, in particular) for their abandonment of her and the multi-lateral stragegy she created. This time it’s not just for the unborn generations of the world–it’s personal.
S/D: Leg Press–a powerful diplomatic counterstrike in close quarters.
Weaknesses: Not a natural-born citizen of home country (glass ceiling); Genitalia (ditto).
Hobbies: Reasoning, Dialoguing, The Occasional Piece of Chocolate Cake.

Vladimir Putin (Snake)
Location: The Former USSR
Style: Okhranian Rite
Bio: Though Snake has many “friends” in the Tournament, both he and they were upset with his poor performance several years ago. This time around, he is looking to break free of his past associations, who he feels constrain him from the…cherished…activities that give him strength. Snake is looking to carve out a name of his own. In Chechnyan flesh.
S/D: Censorhip Sweep–temporarily paralyzes all diplomatic attacks.
Weaknesses: Soul Transparency–opponents forwarned of all attack initiatives.
Hobbies: His…cherished…activities, which by no means suggests the eating of babies.

Jacques Chirac (The Old European)
Location: France
Style: Panacherié
Bio: M. Chirac wishes to return to the days that imbue his nom de guerre with significance. He has been known to associate, however cynically, with K. Annan to achieve this end. It cannot be denied that Chirac is, at base, a fundamentally charming man. With the exception of UBL, he is friendly with almost every other competitor in the Tournament. This has given rise to a new nickname: “Everyone’s Worst Ally”. While élan will clearly prove useful in the initial rounds of “talks”, it remains to be seen if it will prove enough to take the crown.
S/D: The Sneer–an immensely powerful diplomatic and cultural attack.
Weaknesses: Bluffer’s Bane–extremely vulnerable to opponent’s diplomatic attacks.
Hobbies: Generally living the life of l’homme plus hexagonal .

Hugo Chavez (Fidel Redux, But With Oil and Parrot)
Location: Venezuela
Style: Crudismo (populár)
Bio: Another relative newcomer to the Tournament, FRBWOP is a known associate of both K. Annan and That Iranian Guy. While he has been seen to possess no mean diplomatic faculty, he has resource dependency problems, and it is unclear whether he can progress very far on his own.
S/D: Absurd Gift-Giving–Weakens opponent’s diplomatic powers for an entire round of “talks”.
Weaknesses: Undiversified Mononucleosis–Chavez has a limited repertoire of combinations and attacks, which allows his opponents to quickly apprehend his strategies.
Hobbies: Dancing the joropo to the cuatro.

Robert Mugabe (The Inflation Sensation)
Location: Zimbabwe
Style: Po Co Do
Bio: The Inflation Sensation is definitely a dark horse candidate to take the Tournament. In fact, many Western observers say his recent surge in physical and pecuniary growth belies his increasing weakness and nearly complete infrastructal vulnerability. Mugabe to Western observers: “Drop Dead, Colonialist Oppressors”.
S/D: Automatic Invulnerability Denial System (AIDS)–When health is critical, Mugabe becomes temporarily invulnerable and increases diplomatic powers.
Weaknesses: AIDS (see above)–very short lasting effect, all power is drained from attacks when over.
Hobbies: Hoarding, Appropriating Land.

Bigfoot (Sassy)*
Location: ???
Style: Brute Force
Bio: Sassy is the only non-human competitor in the Tournament and considers herself a friend to no one. In fact, as self-appointed protector of Mother Nature, Sassy’s philosophy is best summed up as “Destroy the Human Parasites!”
S/D: Many types of smashing.**
Weakness: Social Anxiety Disorder
Hobbies: Landscape Photography, Smashing.

Mr. Lotus Eater (The Forget-me-naut)
Location: Island of the Lotus Eaters
Style: Fencing (verbal)
Bio: The Lotus Eater has no real reason to attend the tournament. His relationship to the concepts “ambition” and “motivation” is best understood as a set of parallel lines (they may look similar, but they never intersect). He is, however, curious about his host’s cape. Very curious…When did capes cease to be part of everyday fashion? At what point did we begin to identify the cape with absolute evil? Was it intentional? He hopes to find out.
S/D: Poison Pen–Shoots caustic barbs at enemies (less effective than might be hoped).
Weaknesses: Resumé with regard to élite diplomatic positions; poor tailoring.
Hobbies: Misrepresentation, Libel.
•••

Who possesses the most savoir-faire? Only time can tell…